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Hayes House Pages

Monday, 12 April 2010

NASA Pants

Leggings are "in" again. "Fat people shouldna wear leggings" says Billy Connolly. I agree with him in principle. I mean; no one wants to see elasticated, shiny material stretched to within an inch of it's life across the vast expanse of my thighs and picasso arse (NB: Picasso Arse: "The effect of a fat person wearing leggings, under which knickers that are far too tight; thus creating the effect of four buttocks").

Having corrected the knicker issue, I estimated that between the top of my knee-high, extra-wide calf boots, and the bottom of my long slouchy top; about 4.5 inches of leggings would be visible. Podgy though my knees are, I thought this might be tolerable. Especially if I only venture out in the dark.

We have a tendancy to rename things in Hayes' House. For example; those see-through mesh-type knickers have been renamed "Bee-Keepers", because they bare an uncanny resemblance to the protective material that bee keepers wear, you see? And if there was ever a thing that was crying out for a new, non-1800s name, it's those dressing gown / house coat type things. They are now known as "Shlompers", because we shlomp around in them.

Hence, in true Hayes' House fashion, leggings have become "NASA Pants", because they feel like you're wearing memory foam which, rumour has it, was invented by the lovely people at NASA. That's the only way I can describe wearing a good pair of leggings. They're fabulously comfortable, just like sinking into my memory foam bed. So any fellow thigh-fearing women, I urge you; even if you never go out in public, free yourselves, sod the cellulite, and get some NASA pants!

I'm wondering now if I dare actually try skinny jeans... Somebody stop me!

1 comment:

  1. being skinny isnt such a good look in leggings either - i look like max wall if i wear them!!