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Hayes House Pages

Saturday, 15 May 2010

Never Say Goodbye

Do you have any of those "friends" who you just can't get rid of? I mean the ones who sit in your house for hours and hours, then just as you're considering self-harming they say:
"I really should get going"
Oh the relief! It's shortlived, however, because it then slowly dawns on you that this was no more than an unlikely glimmer of hope because, lets face it; they're not going anywhere for at least another two hours.

Why do people do that? I mean if you want to stay; stay, if you want to go, just leave. But why pretend that you've no idea how long you've been here, or that you haven't noticed that I'm having a nervous breakdown thinking of all the things I was supposed to get done this afternoon.

It's always the people who I don't know quite well enough to throw them out of my home. Don't get me wrong, I have tried everything short of shoe-horning this friend out of the door. I've tried running out of milk, saying I must nip to the shops (she came with me), I've tried the old:
"Yes well, I really must get on" (standard response to her "I really should get going"), but this is just met with:
"Oh don't mind us (us being her, and her dog, Jessie), you just carry on love".
Is it normal to have a friend who you feel murderous tendencies towards?

There she sits, glancing obviously at her empty coffee cup waiting to be offered another one. Three coffees later:
"Ooohh look at the time, have I really been here that long?" YES YOU HAVE!
"Well I really must get home and feed the dog"
Actually she mouths the words "feed the dog" whilst gesturing obscurely at it, because she doesn't really have any intention of leaving and she doesn't want to excite the dog with the prospect of food. The dog speaks English, you know; she understands every word.

Unfortunately the "feed the dog" comment is often followed with
"Jessie does love coming here, it's a special treat for her".
At this point I'm lucky if they leave within the next hour. Jessie might well love coming here, and I don't mind her being here either. It's a fair exchange, I think; a few dog hairs on the carpet in return for clearing some of the food debris left by the kids, but please don't stay all bloody day, and please don't think that mentioning yet another reason why you should get off your arse and leave, buys you another hour!

Eventually, somewhere in my distant future, my "friend" will address the dog directly:
"Come on Jessie, let's get you home for some dinner".
Jessie, who by now has also lost the will to live, will then cast me a "Thank-Christ-for-that" glance and drag her stagnant self to the door, hoping that this time they will actually be leaving and she may get her long-promised meal, because what her owner doesn't realise is that Jessie knows she's full of crap too.

If you recognise any of the behaviour described here, I urge you, seek help immediately, before your friends start pretending they aren't home. You know who you are!


  1. If friends overstay at our house my husband yawns and announces, 'I think I'll get undressed in front of the fire tonight.' Then he starts undoing his belt.
    We're waving them goodbye within sixty seconds!

  2. LOL! That would work in any other case, but this woman is a naturist, I kid you not! She'd probably strip off in solidarity, I'm shuddering at the thought!
    He usually just bolts for his shed when she shows up, coward!