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Hayes House Pages

Sunday 4 July 2010

This Shepards Pie is Bollocks!

When I was pregnant with Sam, I spent the majority of my time hanging around the bathroom waiting for the next session of sporadic vomiting. The smell of absolutely anything would set me off, hence cooking was a problem.

Stig gallantly came to my rescue and offered to cook. The idea filled me with dread but having established that I couldn't enter the kitchen without wretching, I agreed. I painfully explained Hayes House Shepards Pie proceedure to Stig in step-by-step detail. I thought I had done quite well in my instructions but I double checked with a question and answer session at the end. Stig passed with flying colours and so I had little choice but to let him proceed.

However what I said, and what Stig heard were clearly two very different narratives...

1. Boil giant pan of spuds to death
2. Boil mince in nothing but water for 5 minutes and decide that this will be sufficient.
3. Pour drained mince into oven dish, who needs gravy? We don't.
4. Don't bother draining the spuds (Stig didn't) as they have absorbed most of the water anyway.
5. Mash spuds into a pulp with the consistency of wallpaper paste and "pour" the spuds over the mince.
6. Realise that you have forgotten to add onion so sprinkle some chopped onion over the top of the mixture and poke it in with a fork.
7. Put Shepard's Pie in oven.
8. Switch oven on.
9. Remove Shepard's pie from oven and add cheese, replace in oven.
10. Serve with a ladle.

I felt a wave of grief wash over me when I glimpsed it on my plate for the first time. The resulting Shepard's Pie was a pasty looking pile of slop.

I knew that I'd at least have to taste it before I could berate his efforts. It was when I encountered the first unidentifiable brown chewy bits in it that vomiting ensued.

This was followed by a tirade of abuse from me and abject disbelief at Stig, who was heartily tucking into his Shepard's Pie in order to re-enforce his point that it "wasn't that bad".

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